How To Speak Up About Your Desires without Shrinking.
Can you say what you desire sexually aloud to your partner and yourself?
Or do you squirm in discomfort having to say what feels good or what doesn’t?
What you like or don’t like?
What you need more of to be satisfied?
Today we are kicking off a new week and we’re talking about the importance of speaking up about your sensual/sexual/erotic desires with your partner *before* you get in bed.
In most of my dating life, before I got married and even periodically now, I struggled with articulating to my partners what felt edifying about our romantic experience in and out of bed. I would crave for a shift but feel emotionally stuck in asking for it. I found myself combatting levels of shame or being afraid of asking for more.
As I grew more into my Temptress energy and reclaiming my erotic self as integral to my aliveness, I learned that the act of speaking up about what I desired was critical to my growth, my boundaries and building confidence in *every area of life*...
All this week over on Instagram we are talking DESIRE and the components of understanding what you want, how you want it and how to ask for it honest.
Today I want to start our conversation by offering you five simple tips to reclaiming desire.
1. Be real with yourself first.
It's a wonderful concept to be able to go to the people that we love and ask for something we want without flinching. What catches most of us up in the process is not being honest with ourselves. So often we can find ourselves completely ignorning our intuition, longings and needs in order to save face, not take up too much space or living in fear of how we will be received. Before we ever get to the point of sharing or asking for what we desire, we first have to take an honest assesment of what's coming up for us.
2. Running from desire only disengages you from reality.
Have you ever known that you were turned on by a specific experience, attracted to someone, or wanted to make a change in your relationship or life? Maybe you find yourself thinking about it alot. Maybe you've even had those hot and heavy dreams about that cutie from the grocery store. Perhaps you find yourself avoiding or getting defensive even getting near the subject because of how flushed you felt at the thought... yeah... that running only does two things, one it reinforces this idea that you are bad/wrong for how you feel, and two it makes you feel like you can't trust yourself to acknowledge the thing you're wanting without making rash or unethical decisions. Trust is crucial to owning our sexuality and being able to feel safe in our experiences withothers. While you might feel that you're “doing the right thing" by avoiding the thought or conversation, you're actually compounding the stress and sending signals to your body that you cannot be trusted to handle your own erotic energy. This is a breeding ground for shame.
3. Shame & Ecstasy Do Not Co-Exist.
To piggy back off our last tip you have to understand that shame and ecstasy cannot co-exist. I want you to also understand that just because you acknowledge a desire does not mean you have to act on it or burn down your current life in order to “live your dreams.” By all means if you feel that's the next step for you- then Godspeed. But owning desire is less about the action you take and more about the willingness to be open and courageous in your exploration of self. It's about living from a place of courage & vulnerability which are two important ingredients to intimacy. We all want to experience ecstasy in our relationships, in bed and life. One of the prime obstacles to ecstasy is shame. Not just the shame that we experience or receive from others, but also the shame that we project unpon others due to our own limitations and/or insecurities.
4. Being desire-less does not make you more attractive in the dating pool, nor does it make you the perfect Wife.
I've seen women (myself included) throw desire away very quickly in hopes that masking our wants and needs will make us more palatable or suitable partners. We throw our desires away by silencing what we long for, shape shifting our presentation, silencing exploration, throwing our experience of full sexual expression to the side in order to not make our partners uncomfortable or to fit into what our cutlure considers to be appropriate or respectable. As a sensual movement instructor I see and experience this alot on social media. Recently a woman commented on a post of me dancing asking, "What happened to class?” And while I didn't use that opportunity to address her problematic ass, I will share with you all why this is damaging. We are operating within a system that is designed to strip women of our experience of pleasure and demonizes our connection to our bodies. I've long said that a system that inherently attempts to destroy our connection to our sexuality as vital, is attempting to destroy our connection to our Divinity. I'm going to talk about this in more detail this week. When we give into this social pressure to be "respectable" and "appropriate" to the extreme that we cannot celebrate or simply just let a woman live that is making choices for her body, her life and her desires we become the problem. We embody the toxic shit we are running from in our love lives. Pick me culture is real but it's fatal. It's rooted in scarcity and lack that if we don't erase all the rich and powerful things of owning our erotic energy then we will ultimately end up alone. And I've come to tell you... this is a lie.
5. Our love needs to be a sanctuary and our sex needs to be able to heal.
Sex... when it's rooted in connection, honesty, openness, exploration and honoring our divinity has the power to heal us and our partners. I want you to think about this as the intention and space as you think about withholding from your partner. Set the tone for the conversation by stating that you want to create a space to share openly, affirm your love desire and commitment to the relationship, make it very clear that this isn't a one way street and you want them to feel comfortable sharing with you as well. Creating a brave space within your relationship for openess, vulnerability and honesty will bring you and your partner closer.
Here's what's next:
Tuesday 11/20 : Join me LIVE on Instagram at 10 AM PST/12 PM CST as share about my own journey in owning desire.
Wednesday 11/21: I'll be doing Q+A via my Instagram Stories & Private Facebook Community. Want to submit a question or story? Reply to this email or hit us up at firstname.lastname@example.org
Did these tips resonate with you? Want to learn more pratical tips and tools on how to own your sexuality without fear? In my three part digital class: The Reclaiming Your Sexy Intro Course you'll learn how to:
- Get clear about your desires.
- Get practical tips for talking about what you want without fear.
- Understand how to stand strong in what you want without wavering when it seems easier to give it all up.
- How to get out of this idea that your sexuality is a performance for someone else's pleasure & entertainment.
- How to live in your sexy beyond your physical upkeep/aesthetic.
- How to identify where you are holding onto and/or projecting shame.
- Feel more confident in your body.
- Experience more ease and less tension.
- Feel more light hearted and open in your day to day life.
If this feels right for you then I want to jump on over here to snag the e-guide. The guide is $20 now through Cyber Monday as part of my beta test for the new intro course. Part one is available today! Purchase it here.
See you tomorrow on the LIVE.
Upcoming In-Person Events:
The Temptress Masterclass - Oakland 12/14 Register Here
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